Tour de France; Rest Day 1

Since Jessi (Cub Reporter) and I are a pair of professional journalists/ race reporters, we weren't about to let the Rest Day get in the way of hardhitting investigative journalism. However, since all of the riders were taking naps and we had a deadline to meet, we had to compromise a little...

First up, we have an exclusive interview; Jessi Pacetti was able to locate and interview the elusive Masiguy for the following interview... it's rivoting reading. Though considered to be like Sasquatch or the Abdominal Snowman, the Masiguy was tracked down with the aid of body-odor sniffing hounds. The rest is Pulitzer material.

Jessi Pacetti: Why isn't there a jersey for prettiest kit?
Masiguy: Because the prettiest kit, is it's own jersey. I think we can all agree that it's the Phonak kit.

JP: What was the coolest bike ever in a movie?
a. The Masi in that shitty movie you love
b. Kermit's bike in The Muppet Movie
c. Pee Wee's bike
MG: Do I really need to answer this one? Really... the entire planet agrees that it was the Gran Criterium ridden in Breaking Away. Anybody waking from a coma would know that. Masi is the very best bike ever made.

JP: Do you think Jan and Ivan are watching the Tour or just getting drunk?
MG: If you believe the press, they are likely injecting EPO and getting blood transfusions. I'd like to think they are both still riding and staying fit. Even if guilty, though far from proven, they should remember that they brought excitement and joy to people's lives for riding a bike. A simple act of riding a bike can make a difference in the world, even if only in your own world.

JP: What is the best website for porn these days?
MG: I'm fond of Buck-Toothed Babes from the Trailer Park... classy stuff.

JP: If you had to replace anyone on the OLN coverage, who would it be and who would you replace them with?
MG: Hard to say. A few years ago I would've instantly blurted out "Trautwig", like some sort of turret's thing. Now, I'm not so sure. The guy has been studying and learning. He used to drone on, but now he makes sense from time to time. They should bring back Kirsten Gumm. This is really funny; because I mentioned her last year during the Tour when she was commentating, I get lots of visits to this site from people Googling her name. I'm presuming it's horny bike nerds looking for naked pictures of her. Forget it dudes... they don't exist... I tried.

JP: Would you shag Kirsten Gumm? Do you think any of the OLN guys have?
MG: There are lots of stories out there- most of them made up. There are no pictures of me with Kirsten. If there are, they are not real. No matter what her lawyers tell you about the restraining order.

JP: Who is the best looking cyclist that's still in the Tour?
MG: There's a lot to be said for Daniele Bennati. Italian and fast.... he's kinda purdy...

JP: If Al and Bob took it to the ring for a real fight, who do you think would win?
MG: Bobke hands down. Any man who finishes Paris-Roubaix is a sure-nuff bad ass.

JP: There has been so many examples of existentialism in this year's race. Which one has had the most overall influence on the GC?
MG: I think Floyd put it best when he said, "I don't know how long my time in the peloton goes on. I know it won't go on forever, my hope is it's not over yet..."

JP: Do you think I can get Boonen or GH to kiss me first?
MG: Those Euro guys are lightweight drinkers when they get to the States, so I'm guessing Boonen.

JP: What would be the 3 funniest words to have PSquared say in their silly British accents?
MG: Uranus. Pumpernickel. Boobies.

JP: Which Disney Princess would be the fastest on the bike?
a. Cinderella
b. Jasmine
c. Belle
MG: Cinderalla hands down. She's got the mice and birds on her side.

JP: If you couldn't ride a Masi because the company spontaneously combusted, what kind of bike would you ride?
MG: Honestly, I don't know. I love too many of them. Richard Sachs. Colnago. Vanilla (by Sascha White). A Brian Baylis. Calfee. There are so many great bikes out there now. Seriously, if many were no object, I'd have a damned hard time knowing where to spend it. Thank God I work here.

JP: If Trek bought Schwinn, they would be called Shrek. What are your thoughts on that?
MG: Why not Twin? Think about it... Shrek was smelly...

JP: Who do you think gets more fan mail - Levi or Bob Roll? (I actually know the answer to this one)
MG: Prolly Bob because he's a cross generational road and dirt hero.

JP: Do the navy blazers make you nervous as they do me? What do you think is up with the change?
MG: I think it's a plan perpetrated by The Man to keep a brother down. But I'm a crackpot conspiracy theorist.

JP: Since I don't know any French and will be trotting around France wearing a yellow TourDAYFrance tshirt, do you think I'll ever get served in a restaurant?
MG: Just make sure you call the "gar con"... they love that. Trust me on this one...

JP: What's grosser than gross? Full frontal road rash or skidding open your entire wrist ala Bobby Boy?
MG: I have had the full frontal a few times and only torn the hands open once. Both really suck, but the road rash is just a constant crappy feeling.

JP: If women were allowed to ride in the TdF (even though they aren't stupid enough to do such a thing), who would win?
a. Flo Jo
b. Marion Jones
c. My mom
MG: Oh... I had such the hots for Marion Jones... and she was allegedly a doper too. But I've never met your mom...

JP: How do aspiring podium girls get in? How do they train for something so prestegious? Is that the pinnacle of life for them?
MG: It is the xenith of any French woman's modeling career. I think they just have to be willing to stand still and sweat in front of the cameras and have a penchant for kissing skinny guys with shaved legs.

After realizing that I wasn't getting anywhere with any of the riders or their team managers, I was able to locate my interviewee at the local discount liquor purveyor. Jessi Pacetti, though a wily competitor when sober, was easier to track today thanks to her beeping ankle bracelet. It was a bitter fight, but I got answers out of her.

Tim Jackson: What do you think about Floyd needing hip replacement?
Jessi Pacetti: I didn't realize he qualified for AARP. Maybe he'll take up canasta and eating dinner at 4:30 at the Elks club. Tough recovery on that one.

TJ: Why do you think there are still mullets in the peloton and why isn't there a time penalty assessed to anybody who has one?
JP: I think that mullets in the peleton are a travesty. There should be a 3 minute penalty once you hit the line with one of those suckers. Those just aren't right. I live in Wisconsin where they are typically out in full force at the redneck bars any day of the week. I marvel in their glory. I would never sleep with one, but jeez - the balls to grow it and go out in public is amazing.

TJ: Which pronunciation of Phil's do you prefer for Turbo Tom?
A- "boo-nin"
B- "bone in"
JP: Of course I'm going to say "bone in". Not because it's right, but because it's almost dirty and that's funny.

TJ: What do you think of the draconian policies of the UCI limiting how light a bike can be?
JP: I think it's a crock of shit. Outlaw the earpiece shenanagans first. I think those are changing the race more than the weight of the "machines" (As Shaggy Sherwen would say.)

TJ: We've see a lot of great racing so far this Tour. Lots of drama, intrigue and compelling stories. What is it that you think makes me the most interesting cycling blogger in the world?
JP: Hell if I know, I don't read all than jargon you write. You're probably considered the best because you're such a blasted nerd and that you got me writing this year and I'm freaking funny. Did you see that one about COWBELL?

TJ: If you could be any kind of animal, which one do you think would enjoy the Tour the most?
JP: I think a cheetah because they could outrun ANY of these guys and be showered, do their interviews, have dinner and a nap before the race even got exciting.

TJ: George Hincapie is married to a French former podium girl, does that make him an expatriate? Should he be deported?
JP: I've seen these French podium girls you speak of. They aren't ALL hot, Timmy Tight Pants. However, Melanie Hincapie is a very pretty lady. I don't want to say anything horrible about her because I just may meet her and since there are 37 people in the cycling industry, I can imagine pissing her off wouldn't be a great idea. I don't think he's an expatriot but you feel you have to, you can deport him to my house.

TJ: What is your theory for Levi Leipheimer's horrible time trial on Saturday?
JP: It's very easy. He didn't get any the night before.

TJ: If Masi was at the Tour this year, how many stages do you think would have been won on them by now?
JP: Hmmm. It would depend on how many Cutters were riding.

TJ: Do you think that Michael Rasmussen should be forced to ride with training wheels during time trials? Granted he didn't crash during the last one, but you know it is coming sooner or later
JP: Rasmussen should DEFINITELY be in training wheels - for that fact - so should Bobby Boy Julich.

TJ: If you were a fish, which leader's jersey would you want to wear?
JP: Anything but Phonak. Is this a trick question?

TJ: Do you think that I would be as fast as Floyd if I had a hip replacement too?
JP: Floyd has YET to have the hip replacement. I don't think you would. He's pretty hard core. Did you see that picture with him in the fur coat in Outside Magazine? I'm talking bad boy. I was actually hoping they'd have a picture of him with a dog collar and chains. That might be a bit sexier than the stupid pimp jacket.

TJ: Why does Phil say the same rider's name 3 or 4 different ways- during the same stage? Is he in fact senile?
JP: I think he does it to see if you're paying attention. I find it humorous and around here we take shots of whiskey every time he says a name differently, but only during the morning coverage.

TJ: Does Paul drink as heavily as you and me? Should he after sitting in a booth with Phil all day?
JP: Paul thinks he drinks heavily, but I have been known to drink his ass under the table on numerous occasions. When I am out with Phil, I have to be drinking or I wouldn't be able to understand him when he talks.

TJ: Is Bob really going to ask me to become a guest writer for his website? How much did he say he was going to pay me? I can't remember...
JP: He sure is - he's going to pay you about a dollar six eighty a year. . . . In your dreams, big boy. It's my ass you should be kissing because I'm the one who decides all that crap.

TJ: Bob is clearly one of the funniest people currently alive, is it just the booze or jetlag?
JP: Neither. I think it stems from the time his optic nerve froze during that race that Andy Hampsted won and Bob wasn't even expected to finish. He cracks me up on a regular basis. I'm glad he can share that talent with the world.

TJ: Has Bob said what his favorite moment of this Tour has been yet?
JP: Not yet. I think it's going to be when I get there. Duh.

TJ: How many drinks will it take in Vegas to get him dancing on tables/ bars? I need to know for my expense account.
JP: Basically, he leaves all the table and bar dancing to me. It's section 3 paragraph 8 of our contract. For me it's been accurately tracked at 2 full bottles of wine (on my own) or 10 -12 tall Jack and diets - no groceries.

TJ: Do you think that the most recent drug scandals that have rocked the sport will have a far reaching impact or will things go back to "business as usual" as soon as things fade from the public eye? Should there be lifetime bans on riders the first time they test positive?
JP: Considering what my plans are within the cycling industry, I sure as shit hope not. When the Americans come out ahead on the podium at the end of the month I do think that it will boost US Cycling. I also think that sponsors may lay off putting specific athletes in their propaganda and go back to promoting the product, not the riders. I think the testing is a bit willy nilly these days to be giving lifetime bans. Tyler Hamilton has gone a little far in his defense (Sorry Donna, but identical twin in the womb? WTF?) and has earned himself a lifetime ban. I hate to say that, I really do because I was a Tyler fan, but there's too much out there now.

TJ: If two trains left New York city, one with Jan Ullrich and the other with Ivan Basso, which train would get stopped first and inspected for bags of frozen blood and syringes?
JP: That's a toss up. If it was out of NYC, probably neither would be stopped at all.

That's all for today. There's some racing going on tomorrow, but you'll need some time to absorb all of this news. I understand completely.

Tim