Bike Doosh?

Are you a Bike Doosh?

So let us see if you qualify for the specific category of bike doosh. (Masiguy answers in bold red.)

1) Do you race:
a – road (yes)
b – cross (I'm gonna)
c – mtb
d – track (yes)

15pts

2) Do you have an “A” bike and a “B” bike?
a – no, just one bike
b – yes (yes)
c – both “A” bike and “B” bikes are carbon (yes)
d – with Campy Record (one of'em)

16pts

3) Do you use a cycling computer?
a – no (no)
b – yes
c – Power Tap
d – Power Tap on your track bike

0pts

4) Do you carry a mobile phone with you when you ride?
a – no
b – yes (yes)
c – Smartphone
d – iPhone

5pts

5) Do you:
a – match cycling socks to shoes (yes)
b – match shoes to jersey (yes)
c – match jersey to helmet (yes)
d – have multiple matching outfits, shoes and helmets (yes)

16pts

6) Is your handlebar tape:
a – black (yes)
b – white (yes)
c – some other color (yes)
d – installed fresh each month

6pts

7) Do you: (no to all)
a – follow a training plan
b – keep a training log
c – an online training log
d – and pay someone to review it

0pts

8) VO2 Max Test
a – never had one
b – once
c – more than once (yes... it was bad news)
d – every year

5pts

9) Campy versus Shimano
a – who cares (who cares if it works)
b – Shimano
c – Campy
d – SRAM

0pts

10) Helmet and sunglasses
a – you buy whatever from the team sponsor (yes... well, I get'em free)

b – Lazer and Tifosi
c – Bell and Rudy Project (yes)
d – Giro and Oakley (yes)

15pts

11) Do you:
a – ride your bike to the race (sometimes)
b – carpool with pals (yes)
c – drive alone in your Audi A6 sedan with the bike in the trunk
d – refuse to let Smithers use your lug nut tool at Sogn Valley last year (score 5 bonus dick head points!)

1pt

12) Triathlon
a – no thanks (no thanks)
b – once, never again
c – sometimes
d – live for them

0pts

13) On the training ride you:
a – are in there for a while but eventually get dropped
b – are in the group the whole ride feeling good
c – sit in and wait for the end of the hard stuff and then go to the front and ride hard (yep... but I suffer through the hills and wait for all the sprint points)
d – skip it because it is not hard enough for you

5pts

14) On the training ride you talk about:
a – art, music, politics (yes)
b – girls/boys (yes)
c – the latest pro bike race on Vs. (yes)
d – last weeks training ride (yes)

16pts

15) The purpose of the training ride is to:
a – work on your weakness (yes)
b – develop fitness (yes)
c – put the hurt on everyone else (yes)
d – show off your new bike (yes)

16pts

16) The racing season is:
a – too long
b – too short
c – not enough of the races you like to do (why can't the entire season just be Keirin races?)
d – full of stupid races that you think suck even though you have never promoted a race

5pts

17) Relationship
a – In one, it’s great (I hope... I'm SO in trouble... prolly)
b – looking and hoping
c – just broke up, they didn’t understand your desire to train and race
d – no time, you have to train and race

0pts (maybe)

18) When on a date you talk about: (add 5 points for being total nerd)
a – your date
b – yourself
c – the latest pro bike race on Vs.
d – Campy versus Shimano

5pts

19) Your significant other comes to a race:
a – you drop out early to spend more time with them
b – try to make yourself look totally pro by being at the front (yes... until I blow apart and blame it on cramping)
c – ignore them
d – castigate them for not handing up the correct bottle on the correct lap (score 5 more bonus dick head points!)

1pt

20) Following the race you:
a – leave the bike in the garage and spend time with the family (yes... sometimes)
b – help make dinner and talk about the race (yes... usually)
c – sort out all your bike crap until past midnight
d – go for a recovery ride

5pts

Bonus Question
21) Are you:
Smithers? If so subtract all points and score yourself an automatic total of zero. The ability to recognize bike dooshery eliminates any possibility of personal dooshness.

For every “a” score o points, for every “b” score 1 points, for every “c” score 5 points, for every “d’ score 10 points.

0 points: You are so totally not a bike doosh, you are the coolest MF that ever walked the surface of the planet
1 – 20 points: You are not a bike doosh.
21 – 100 points: You mean well, there is hope, resist the temptation to join the dooshocracy
101 – 150 points: You are kind of a bike doosh, try harder el-doosh.
151 – 200 points: You are a total bike doosh, get a life bike doosh.

Masiguy scores... 130 points! Woo-hoo!

And you?

Tim